Why is it that saying ‘no’ can make us feel so horrible? Really twitchy. We are so much more relaxed at saying yes as we see ourselves as kind, caring, dependable, considerate and reliable when do and quite the opposite when we don’t. Saying no makes us feel horrible. Awkward, unhelpful, uncaring, unkind – you get the picture.
What’s truly valued though, is honesty. It’s so important to know where we stand with someone, not to be second-guessing to have a level of communication with each other that is open and clear. This means so much more than whether you’ve said yes or no.
All healthy relationships need trust, and trust comes from honestly – two-way conversations that make everyone feel cared for, and renegotiating expectations if needed.
Sometimes we get stuck in relationships where the yeses are assumed and expected. Questions are not asked with an option to allow the answer to go either way. This isn’t healthy and is a recipe for a soup of resentment and anger. Yet we keep saying yes.
This is where the honesty comes in. We all have the right to be authentically us and to be true to ourselves. We need to be able to flex and change our minds on things. There should never be a backlash because we’ve spoken up or said no to something. This is something we all need to get comfortable with. Saying no instead of yes creates the space we need to be self-caring, creative and to replenish.
The art of saying ‘no’ is to turn the ‘yes’ on its head. When you say yes, what are you saying no to? Is it time with your partner, putting your daughter to bed or a long needed weekend away? By saying yes to more work or to doing favours, you’re saying no to other opportunities which may progress your business further and quicker. Lending a friend money? What about your own bills? There’s always a compromise, a consequence.
Saying yes or no asks the question of whether or not we’re comfortable with the consequences that occur from each answer – often we’re not.
By weighing up the requests on our time and the consequences either way, while also holding on to your own values, the honest answer is always the best one.
Remember – you can say no and still care, you can say no and still be generous, you can see no and still be loved, you can say no and still be committed, you can say no and still be reliable.
You are not a bad person if you say no because you will say yes too, But, only when that’s the right answer for you and not for the person who is asking the question.
“It’s impossible to satisfy everyone and I suggest we all stop trying.” Jennifer Aniston.
